The Compulsive Yes and the Power of Saying No
If you’ve ever spent time with a toddler, you know that their favorite word isn’t “please” or “thanks”. It’s a firm, unshakeable NO.
Toddlers wield “no” with complete confidence. They don’t worry about disappointing anyone, damaging relationships, or over-explaining their decision. They say it. No hesitation. No guilt.
Somewhere along the way, we lose that ability. We overcommit and overwhelm ourselves out of obligation, guilt, or the desire to fit in.
A study by the American Psychological Association found that 65% of people feel overwhelmed by the number of commitments they’ve made because they don’t know how to say no.
This is especially true in healthcare where saying “yes” is seen as being a supportive, dependable team member. Doctors often feel compelled to say “yes” in the moment. It’s a quick fix that feels good. We avoid confrontation, we feel helpful, and, of course, we get praised for being a team player. It’s a scenario most of us can relate to.
We can’t run around saying “no” to everything like a toddler refusing bedtime, but we can learn to set boundaries. Without guilt, fear, or burning ourselves out.
We don’t have unlimited time and energy. And while we’re taught to always be available, helpful, and supportive, there’s a deeper need for us to set healthy boundaries in order to thrive in our roles and maintain our well-being.
Why Is It So Hard to Say No?
Learning to set and maintain boundaries requires insight. It’s important to understand why saying no feels so challenging.
What was it like to say “no” as a child? Was “no” acceptable in your home or community? What would happen or what would people think about you if you were to say “no?” For many adult people pleasers, it was not safe or acceptable to say no, and we carry the compulsive “yes” into our adulthood.
Here are a few questions to ask yourself when faced with a request:
- Is it safe to say no?
Will saying no harm relationships or my reputation? - What is the cost of your yes?
Saying yes often comes at the cost of your time, energy, and well-being. Is it worth it? - Would you still say yes if the task had to be done today?
Sometimes, we say yes because it feels like it can be done “later,” but would you still agree if it were urgent? - What do you need to remember in the moment to protect FUTURE YOU?
It’s easy to get caught up in the pressure of the moment, but what can you do now to preserve your peace and productivity down the line?
Alternatives to Saying Yes
Saying no doesn’t have to feel harsh or abrupt. Here are some helpful responses to consider:
- “Let me get back to you on this.”
- “I’m fully extended right now. What should I take off my plate so I can help with this?”
- “I wish I could, but I can’t.”
- “I know someone who would be great for this.”
- “Ask me again in 6 months.”
- “No.”
We can still maintain our helpful and collaborative spirit without overloading ourselves. It’s all about finding balance.
When We Say Yes to What Matters Most
When we consistently say yes to what truly matters like the tasks and people that align with our values and our capacity, we make a much bigger impact. Setting boundaries allows us to focus on what’s important without feeling drained or resentful. It helps us preserve our energy for the work that will truly move the needle.
Setting boundaries also decreases administrative burden, charting, and the endless cycle of portal messages. It’s a win-win!
So let’s get comfortable with saying no. Make space for what truly matters. When we do, we protect ourselves, our work, and the people we care for.
Take care of yourself. When you do, you can show up as your best self for others.
So, what will you say no to today in order to make room for what truly matters?
